id crisis
It’s pretty common for me to stumble upon something inspirational, or beautiful or just sorta neat and for it to cause a bout of inspiration. I am constantly awed by the art of artists and constantly disappointed in my own work. I suffer from reasonably severe inferiority issues (although I’m sure most people do), and this causes me to doubt myself quickly when making attempts at something. A drawing or model doesn’t work well and I just sorta give up. It’s stupid, and I know it’s stupid. I can’t grow if I don’t continue to draw and practise but I have such a hard time with that.
I’m constantly wondering what it is that really makes me me. My clothes, my body, my basic form?
Is it what I create and leave behind that defines me?
introspective
Sing Around It | Nizlopi
art!, the human condition a la bryan
i am bryan’s attempt
Today marks the first day in my attempt at a daily sketch journal a la EmiTown, and I’m reluctantly hopeful. I have tried to do something like this before and I always get scared of failure, or success or whatever, freak out and give up. I just have a really hard time sucking, and I suck at drawing. I know I’m not awful, but drawing is not something that I’m strong or consistent with. When I try and I can’t put down what’s in my head on paper I end up getting depressed. Trying to turn a new leaf, though. I’m tired of comparing myself with others all the time; I want to succeed of my own accord with my own style. Even if it’s not as pretty or refined or structured as I want, I am going to get this shit out of my brain once a day.
I even bought a (pretty expensive) sketchbook as encouragement for myself to keep at this.
I think I need this.
In other news, I don’t think I’ve ever felt as pathetic in leading Casual Murder as I do when I’m interacting with
That, and maybe we need to rely on
Thoughtful
Wind | Akeboshi
art!, sketchjournal, wow!rant
so tell me darling, do you wish we’d fall in love?
There are so few times in recent months that I find myself actually inspired. I’ve had the desire to create or draw or write, but never the inspiration or motivation to actually do anything with that desire. I half-heartedly wrote in my journal the other-day and when I was finished I titled the page “the art of the un-inspired” and it sort of struck a chord with me. Living away from Eva for the last seven months has been.. an experience to say the least. Living away from my muse and my other half leaves me constantly fighting this state of apathy. It does give me something to be grateful for, though. Even after almost two weeks of very little communication we can pick up a conversation naturally and it just feels right. It also let’s me revel in these moments of inspiration and creation, as few and far between as they’ve been.
inspired
Owl City – The Saltwater Room
art!
deadbryanday
March 1st, 2011 by industria | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments
There are some extended periods of time where my brain just doesn’t process information. I don’t really take anything in, I don’t output anything of value and life just seems to coast by while I’m sort of in sleep mode. I find these times come a lot more often when I’m really missing Eva and it’s so hard to do anything during them.
Life is full of WoW and work and WoW and work. But that being said, I’ve gotten a bit of stuff done on the wordpress and I’ll be (hopefully) updating my portfolio soon.
I get to see Eva this week and I’m not sure I could be happier about it.
blank
Jim Gaffigan – King Baby
deadbryanday, random
and the coding continues
February 24th, 2011 by industria | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments
I’ve been continually updating the formatting and code that runs this little wordpress over the last four days, just to clean it up (it really needed to be tidied) and to fix a few of the problems that I’ve had with it since I adopted / cobbled the theme together. Added a fancy navigation bar, finally got my post Meta-Data fuctioning and I polished the over-all design quite a bit (all my channels are the same width! Hooray!) I am left with an issue, though, and it’s one that’s going to take quite a bit of testing to really figure out.
I have no idea what to do with my current side-bar. I enjoy the side-bar because of it’s function. It’s a quick, easy way to navigate, find out who I am and hold a bit of info. But currently it’s really out of place because of the nav-bar I added in earlier. So I might be taking that side-bar and putting in on the top (sorta like this), but I’m not sure. I’ve got to see what that would look like and see if I could keep it formatted in a way that I still find pleasing. It’s not something I can know until I do it and it’s going to be some what of a brain-wracker to make it do that. I think.
I’m still pretty rusty on this whole PHP / CSS thing. I also have to start looking into some good Thumbnail Gallery scripts to build my portfolio with.
and then I have to do some art to put in it..
Accomplished
Many Lives -> 49MP | Final Fantasy
code monkey, 3d!art
level up!
February 22nd, 2011 by industria | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments
There is something so incredibly satisfying for me in PATV. The production value is so high for an independently produced web-series and the music commissioned from artist like David Pencil and Alex Mauer (whose site is currently down. :c) is phenomenal. The cuts and shots are awesome and the stories that are told are almost always touching. It’s almost ridiculous how human they present the people who work at Penny Arcade, how much it makes me wish I was friends with them. I realize that is the intention of PATV, and in that manner it is a resounding success. Penny Arcade looks like a phenomenal place to work; great people, creative work and incredible kindness all wrapped up in a neat little bundle. It’s mind-blowing to think that these two guys have created the empire that is Penny Arcade on a webcomic. They’ve created and fostered a community of gamers that is unlike any other pop-culture community out there. I can easily say that PAX is the convention I would choose to go to if I had any choice and not just because of the developers or whatever would be showing there.. but because of the vibe those conventions have. Or at least, the vibe they supposedly have.
PA: Half-Way House (Ep. 11) by Davidpencil
We started Ryan’s D&D campaign this weekend as well which has begun to rekindle my love for that niche of geekdom. It’s a nice break to just get together with some of the guys from work and have a silly but relaxing evening of goblin murdering. It’ll take me a little while to really loosen up and starting having a really comfortable time there, but everyone else is pretty into it so it’s not hard to sort of let those inhibitions go.
It’s gotten me thinking about my grand scheme of a campaign that’s been cooking in my brain ever since my last trip to the Montreal International Games Summit. I’ve been flipping through my old notes and I’m going to start compiling them into a slightly neater and more well developed idea in order to, hopefully, set up a campaign for Eva and the others to take part in the summer, once Eva gets back to the island and we’re living in town.
I think I can sincerely say that I’m starting to go a little bit insane living out in the country, now. I’ve been here eight months(!) and I didn’t have plans to move out of here until July.. but I’m starting to think now that I should try to get out of here sooner.
Also! I’ve done quite a few edits to my wordpress, this afternoon! I actually spent the better part of today neck-deep in CSS and PHP in order to fix some of the crap that I’ve always taken issue with in this layout. I think it’s a bit better now, but I’ve still got quite a few things that I want to polish and change. And then it’s on to re-doing my portfolio!
chipper
Half-way House | David Pencil
code monkey, dungeons and dragons, guh pei
I am bryan’s attempt to win
February 19th, 2011 by industria | Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment
I’ve been living life pretty strange, recently. It’s sort of hazy being away from Eva as much as I am and it’s getting to the point where I don’t really even remember specific days. I go to work, come home and veg and play video games or read until I’m sleepy enough to fall asleep; rinse and repeat and you get my pretty much daily life. Occasionally I go out with the guys, but that’s maybe once a week.
It’s not like I’m having a bad time, either. I enjoy my job (probably even more than I admit with some of the stuff that’s going on), and while living half-an-hour outside of the city seems to be slowly killing me, it does prevent me from needing to pay rent. This is all good, but I’m still in this sort of funk. I can’t seem to really accomplish anything aside from video games, sleep and work.
So, on the recommendation of a friend I picked up an app for my phone to try and break out of this little rut.
sketchy
Living life without Eva has been sketchy, to say the least.
Living vicariously through photos
A bit of an urge has been overwhelming me, recently. I have never been the type of person who enjoyed being photographed for reasons I’m not really sure of. It’s just something I disliked. Now that I’m looking back, particularly on the last four and a half years of my life I really wish that I had taken more photos. I know it’s sort of the hipster thing to do now, but what has really been inspiring me is this album along with a folder of photos from my old cellphone.
I guess I wasn’t one for sentiment like that, but looking back at that midnight trip to Subway when we were all still going to NSCAD gets me really reminiscing. Thinking about things I haven’t for years and things I probably wouldn’t have thought about if it wasn’t for those photos. While I’m not having the time of my life right now, I still really want to remember this. I want to remember starting my career. Being 21 and stepping foot in the world without the boundaries of school.
~
Little things.
This morning I forgot my ring when I went to work. The little things have really powerful effects, sometimes.
I miss you, Eva.
Whoa.
Loooong time. I’m clearly good at you, internet.
Summer was neat, we ended up making a crazy little game in the Game Garage project that I’ll get posted up here very soon. It was a pretty big success and two of us 3D guys got jobs at a local game studio. I’m currently working as an artist doing a lot of low-poly 3D and 2D isometric work, which is something I didn’t think I’d ever end up doing. I am really enjoying working with 2D again, though, and it’s teaching leaps and bounds about photoshop. I’m honestly having a blast. The people are nice, the work is fun and I’m not sure I could be happier right now. Well, I could easily be happier if I was still living with Eva, but other than that.
In random news, I started watching Battlestar Galactica and I am afraid that there is something in that show that has bothered me immensely since I watched it. So far, I’ve only seen the mini-series but this is driving me nuts. My problem, is this;
Alchemy
Have to admit that it’s a damn fun program to paint with. Someone in my class uses it a lot for rapid concepting.. but I’m not sure I can get the hang of it to do that. I’m far too reliant on actual form, which isn’t a good thing, really.
End of term is rapidly approaching and I really have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m putting stuff off I don’t want to (looking at getting my new computer), I feel like I’m falling short in everything that I’ve left to do before term ends and I’m generally sort of freaking out at what’s needing to get done. Stuff is piling up in an awful way and I just don’t know where to start. I don’t want to call mom and dad because I have to ask them for a loan so I can pay my tuition and talk to them about my grad. I just can’t seem to find any motivation to polish my stuff for Jalloo.
It’s interesting.. I saw one of the second year animation student’s finished stuff for the festival and I was a little astounded. Everything he had done was so full of originality and character that I know he’ll stand out. I thought about it a lot.. about how much I wanted that to be me of the 3D crowd and how I probably can’t achieve that before everything is due. He’s also got a lot more of himself figured out and is much older than me.. but still. I see a lot of missed opportunity in the time I’ve spent here. If I had a much clearer goal of where and who I wanted to be when I graduated I know my work and my presentation would be so much stronger. I don’t know if that’s a realistic thing to fault myself on, though..
I feel like I’ve lacked direction for a long time. And I like what I’m doing.. I’m just not as good as I want to be and I feel like I don’t know where I’m doing with it.
–
I fell asleep after this so my train of thought left me behind in some sleepy desert.
Messing around in Alchemy a bit. A very interesting and artistically challenging program. Want to play with it some more. Also, update more.
I don’t even.
Not having a good week. Not looking forward to picking my next project. Just ugh. Finished the gardens though, not really happy with them. Maybe I’ll actually get some feedback from a professor this time.
just some wips
I am feeling a bit lost and hungry and I just want to curl up and play wow. BUT! The current project we’ve got for practicum is pretty neat;
I’m going to do some drawing and brainstorming tonight. Update more then.
Headaches~!
May 5th, 2010 by industria | Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Just a bit of drawinglessons from Eva. Trying to find a better way to represent and personify myself. Also, massive headaches. And terrible demo-reels. Hooray.
